My Little Nugget

That’s right, this Eggo is prego! Time to hang up the ‘ol NO VACANCY sign on the uterine hotel.

Though this is my first attempt at growing a human, I am no stranger to the process.  I have seen countless friends expand into motherhood – each with their own trials, tribulations and excess of “did I really want to know that about you” stories.  Now it is my turn.  As I finish up my 16th week, I would like to share with you a few of the inconveniences joys of gestating that I was not expecting and at the least, was unprepared for. 

Revelation #1:  Delete the word Normal from your vocabulary.  Replace it with Remember when you had control over your body.  For example: “Carrie, it’s ok to cry, it’s normal.” or my personal fave, Doctor, “Well….hmmm…that’s not normal.”  I am not sure what it is about speaking with pregnant women, but everyone seems to want to wrap me up in a warm fuzzy security blanket called “normal.” 

Revelation #2:  You get fat!  No, I’m not talking about the drank one too many beers and then ate a bag of salt and vinegar potato chips, bloated, kind of fat …. I mean FAT!  Nowhere in any book that I read did it state that I would wake up one morning and my waistline would have a starring role on Jersey Shore as “The Predicament.”

Revelation #3:   No one will judge you for any of the following: vomiting, peeing, crying or sleeping.  If you need to, you can even use it as an acceptable excuse to decline an otherwise unavoidable invite.  No one will be mad.  In fact, they will only become nicer to you.  Disclaimer: Careful, this does have 13% rate of backfire in which resulted in unwanted visitors/phone calls, but was accompanied by a 7% increase in the rate of chocolate receipt.

All enlightenment aside, I am happily learning from and enjoying almost all that this stage of my Little Nugget has to offer.  I promise not to crowd my blog with stories from the dark side, but be prepared for many more revelations.  Note that I will be posting pics under ‘The Little Nugget” page.

 By the way, if anyone, in any way involved with the book “What to Expect When You are Expecting” is reading this … contact me directly for the address to where you can send my $21.95 refund check.

Truemors and Frenemies

Lingo, slang, jargon … I’m hip with it all. I consider myself to be well versed in most of the vernacular switch-a-roos that people use these days; until yesterday. “Frenemy?” “Truemor?” 

Indulge me… 

Initially upon hearing these, I had a School House Rock flash back.  “Conjunction junction, what’s your function” (it’s ok that you just sang along). Still, was I correct to assume literal translation? O, I hope so. Audible excitement factor is registering at about a 8.7 right now. Must. Inquire. Further. I knew exactly where to consult, dear Urban Dictionary search function.

  Truemor:  
 
A rumour that is true.
 
Person 1: Did you hear the rumour above Dave?

Person 2: Having sex with a fat chick in a tent?

Person 1: Yeah.

Person 2: Oh, that’s a truemor.

  Frenemy:
 
someone who you pretend to like but really you both know you hate each other..
 
Person 1: That girl’s is my frenemy. I hate that stupid ho!

 

OMG, IDK, WTF created these?! LOL! Sooo perf!

I am taking every opportunity possible to use abuse these new additions to my vocabulary – you’ve been warned. LOVES IT!

Oliver vs. PETCO

What I should have read BEFORE last night’s PETCO visit … AND, how it all really went down 

“Visiting a pet store does not mean you have to act like an animal. Treat the pets and the employees with respect and dignity. If your behavior is loud and obnoxious, the pets and the employees will want you out of the store. Follow these steps to learn how to behave appropriately” – eHow.com, ‘How to Behave in a Pet Store’ 

Visiting a pet store does not mean you have to act like an animal, but it helps if you use that mentality.  Make sure to treat other animals and customers as if they could, at any given moment, attack.  Speak firmly and with emphatic tones, stopping just short of 4-letter words, so they know your serious about not switching to IAMS.  Follow these steps to ensure your trip is a productive one” – Carrie, “Oliver’s other end of the leash” 

Rule 1: Refrain from yelling or talking loudly as this might frighten the pets. Behave in a calm and gentle manner… Flag down employees by using several hand gestures and a volume of speech similar to that of hailing a NYC cab.

Rule 2: Keep your fingers out of the cages or aquariums. The animals might bite you. You could also make the animals sick from germs or chemicals on your hands… How else are you supposed to touch those little kittens on adoption day?! 

Rule 3: Observe the fish nicely. Tapping or knocking on the fish aquariums is a no-no…BUT, pressing your face up to the glass and puffing out your cheeks is the best method for finding Nemo.  They won’t actually ask you to stop until the third time you do it anyways.

Rule 4: Ask for permission before giving anything to an animal. Feeding the pets is usually not allowed unless supervised by a store employee…So then those treat bowls at the check-out counter aren’t self-serve?!  Oliver is just going take the treat and run, good luck “supervising.”

**This entire outing lasted 9 miuntes.

Dear Lady Gaga

Joe and Ryan, close your browser now … this will not end well for either of you. This post was inspired by both of your love for the Gaga along with many website letters I’ve read and my ever increasing need to scrutinize the famous.

Now…

Dear Ms. Ga (I’m not in to the whole brevity thing)

After careful observation and a series of calculations made using the Lady Gaga math formula: (RAH)² (AH)³ + [ROMA (1+MA)] + (GA)² + (OOH)(LA)²  – I am writing to you to express the following:

When your Poker Face burst on to the scene you enraptured attention spans, you weren’t a Miley or a Britney; you had talent! You could play instruments and given a bucket, carry a tune. 

Your embrace of eccentric musical genius rivaled that of a luncheon with Elton John and Boy George. You had costumes; salacious everyday costumes.  The piquancy of that pink spandex pencil skirt… Gimmie more!  Hair doughnut? Second helping of gusto, please!

**side note: I love your “no pants” pants. Whenever those are for sale, I need to get them**

But now I just think you’re getting ahead of yourself. 

First, congrats on the second album and I promise not to mention the rampant rumors of eerily like-sounding tracks. (Hint: call LaFace and get to work)

And that thing you wore during the dance sequence of your newest video, you know, that leotard/flamenco dress…well, hmmmm. 

There are few questions weighing on my mind, hoping you can offer answers. What exactly IS a disco stick? is there an initiation process involved in becoming a “monster”? What elements do you feel make the perfect poker face? 

Additionally I have a bone to pick with you regarding appearances.  No matter how daring or provocative you may hope to be, you still make appearances on Ellen – the first lady of controversy?

At the very least let’s think about the word, “overexposure”, I know, it seems like in the wake of Beyonce it isn’t possible, but trust me, it is.

In conclusion, I hope that the hotel tryst with Angelia rumors are true; way to trade up!

 Sincerely,

 Carried Away

30 More Minutes

Beep, beep, beep … WHAM!

(Wait 5 minutes, Repeat 3 times)

Good thing the clock is set for 15 minutes ahead, bad that I remember this daily, thus defeating the purpose.

Ugh, hello 5:30am, we meet again.

O, what I wouldn’t do to spend just 30 more minutes wrapped up in the wonderful world of down feathers and Egyptian cotton – just 10 more? No, today is the day. Spring is here and so is my thrice weekly morning run routine.

After a dramatic peeling back of the covers and two feet plunged down to the cold floor below, I am up. Fearing my ability to procrastinate might rear its ugly head; I laid out clothes (ok, a matching outfit) last night. In mere minutes I had managed to morph into something out of a jazzercise video, minus the neon pink

Sucking down a few sips of water, I opened the door …

**chills – none of which came from the 45-degree weather**

Had I seriously contemplated trading any amount of additional sleep to miss this beautiful sunrise?!

I strolled down the long desolate driveway to the street, never once looking down. The colors were vivid, the air was fresh and the silence was calming. Crossing the street I took to the trail with a deep breath and long stride. Then, just before the start of mile 3, I hit the pause button on the iPod and stopped, looked up and couldn’t help but think again about what I would have missed if I had taken those 30 additional minutes.

I hope you all join me in an effort to use the snooze button less and less each morning.

Doggy Destruction

Couches, pillows, shoes, duvets – even bark and gravel; he eats it all!

I now present Oliver’s most recent works of destruction. 

The couch cushion: Making a quick trip to the gym may have not been the best decision, especially while the cushion covers were in the wash.

Oliver’s boredom: 1 … Mommy multi-tasking ability: 0

 

Heart pillows: No love in his eyes for my festive decorating tendencies.

Before:     

After:

Valentine’s Day will never be the same at our house

 

Black stilettos:  4” reduced to mere nubbins in less than 1 hour.  Want to know how I learned to always put my shoes away? No mom, not because you told me every day for 18 years!

Fool Me Once…

O, I know the saying all too well, but it hasn’t stopped me yet. I have even modified it a bit over the years to the point that the ending now sounds a bit more like …. Fool me 16 times and now I must just be learning a lesson – the hard way. Indulge me in the sharing of my most recent encounters with this phrase of wisdom.

Parking in downtown Sacramento: So what if the meter maids exhibit a sixth sense ability to present themselves no later than 36 seconds after I am out of time, I will still try to eek out 5 more minutes of lunch with the girls before dashing back to my car. Fool me once … and I will be making my $30 check payable to the city of Sacramento.

Switching lanes on the freeway: Good-ness this lane seems to be moving much slower than the others. Flip the turn signal; merge with just enough time to slam on the breaks as now THIS lane has come to an abrupt halt. Fool me once … genius idea, I’ll merge back!

Having pizza delivered to an apartment: “(530) xxx-xxx … Yes, that is the correct address … Yes, same order as last time … Nope, no additional sides needed … That does sound like a fantastic deal, but no thank you … paying with cash … 30-45, great!” Fool me once … “Ok, I’ll just walk out to the front and try to find his car.”

Clearly there are just some lessons I am immune to learning from.  Happen to you?

Mind Your “Ma’am”ers

I am not exactly certain the precise moment in my life when the simple act of saying hello began to catch me off guard. It seems that a nod of the head and a slight glance in my direction is enough effort to pass as a mutual acknowledgment.

It should be noted that I neither lack nor discourage the practice of manners, cordial greetings included; I am just not accustomed to their everyday use (sad).

In no way am I intending to rebuke the polite thank you that was extended my way at an undisclosed Safeway location, but come on … “MA’AM?!

I instantly felt my hair graying, my arthritis kick in and looked down to double-check that my stilettos hadn’t morphed into tan orthopedics with Velcro.

To double frost the cake, Daniel – who has been proudly serving me since 2002 – initiated the transaction with a “Hello, young lady”. How had I aged 50 years during the less than two-minute act of buying Lucky Charms, toothpaste and an InStyle magazine?!

The look of bewilderment upon my face must have been transparent as Daniel so innocently looked up from my receipt and fearfully squeaked out “you saved $1.19 today.”

I was not consoled.

Shaking my head I proceeded out the door and immediately updated my Facebook status, longing for a witty reply from one of my friends that might offer explanation.

Nothing. Three people liked it.

Begrudgingly I have still not abandoned my love for hellos, thank yous or manners in general, I just urgently caution all of you to use them wisely.  When in doubt, smile and nod. Better to be rude than to call a 26-year old “MA’AM!”

www.icantbeliveimdoingthis.com

Somewhere amidst the plethora of half lucid bar conversation, garbled grocery store pickup lines and my kind-hearted friends’ awkward ‘he’s got a great personality’ setups, I snapped.

Hello online dating website!

*puts on best camouflage hat and animal print high heels*

Let the gentlemen hunt begin!

Insert witty ‘about me’ content and my best angled self portrait.

You should know that I signed up at 10pm on a Saturday night … from my iPhone … while eating dessert and watching season 5 of Grey’s (save this mental image).  It is obvious I have digressed into uncharted waters.

I’m baffled. I’m flustered. I’m …. Oooo, he’s cute!

In a way I am feeling voyeuristic. My cup runneth over with likes, dislikes, quirks and charms – all acquired seemingly without their knowledge.

After a good 72 hours of my free time used perusing all that my search function parameters had to offer, I was left with a few admirable prospects and a laundry list of possible Megan’s law candidates … not much middle ground here.

I am happy to report that while not a method I am planning on repeating anytime soon, I would still recommend it to anyone who is looking … even if for nothing more than good blog fodder.

YES … I can see you!

Having had my license for just over a decade now, I feel qualified to bring you this news flash.

Attention: Despite popular belief, just because you are inside of you car does not mean that I can no longer see you!

Neither tinted windows nor excessive speed can immunize you.

I commute at least 50 miles a day in traffic ranging from 3-80mph and have become quite the connoisseur of observing the driving habits of those around me – this is mostly a defense mechanism due to the plethora of overtly inept recipients of a California driver’s license.

Albeit undocumented, my research has determined that most drivers can be grouped into one, if not many of the following groups:

The Gold Miner – You can hardly wait for the coveted moment when the false sense of security your car provides you kicks in and you can reach for the sky and venture off on a picking excursion of epic portion. The ironic part is when you finish you never fail to look down at your finger and then into the rear view mirror to make sure you’re ‘clear’. Next time look out the window next to you and there it is; YES … I can see you!

The American Idol – “…and the Britney song was on …” I get it, the road rhythm creates a nice vibrato, the steering wheel doubles as a drum set and your radio can broadcast at a volume just higher than your ears can hear your actual pitch. All that aside, next time you find yourself in mid head bang during the third chorus of an epic ballad, turn and look out the window next to you and there it is; YES … I can see you!

The Jerry Springer – Indubitably, life is stressful. In your exemplary display of multi-tasking you take on some of the biggest arguments behind the wheel. This is often packaged into an impressive finger gesture and hands-free device four-letter word shouting display. I know it is quite a cozy little cubby of anger there in your car, but seriously; look out the window next to you and there it is. YES … I can see you!

The Procreator – As if the ‘kids on board’ yellow triangle dangling in your minivan’s hatchback window didn’t give it away, then your flailing limbs aimed toward the back seats did. Junior wasn’t happy that you made him get into the car in the first place and no amount of assistance can help him calm down now. Put down the Capri Sun, turn up Raffi and face forward please. Oh, and turn your head to the side and look out the window next to you, YES … I can see you!

Now, I know that this is not a fully encompassing description of all motorists but it is what I believe to be an accurate account of what we all must cope with whenever we take to the roadways. This time of year so many of us are traveling via car to see our friends and family so please be safe and if you are so inclined, turn and look out the window next to you …..