Pregnant

My world, gone flat

It is no news flash that I have a deep affinity for high altitude footwear.  Platform, wedge, stiletto, peep-toe, sling-back, you name it and I’ve got it … in every color.

Unless I am at the gym, I am in heels – high heels.  I am Amel DeMarcos on a Top Ramen budget.  Give me something black, leather, 4″ tall, under $150 and I am in heaven; nothing else matters.

…. until this happened ….

Early this week I began to notice something – all podiatric preferentials aside, putting my foot into anything taller than 1″ has me meandering like a Neanderthal on stilts.

The time has come, everyone warned me.

My world has gone flat!

Please join me in hanging up my favorite pair of heels *tear*

And join me in welcoming the newest player to my all-star line-up

Sexy? …  Heavens No!

Eye-catching? …  Definitely Not!

Face plant preventing? … MOS DEF!

Never fear, I refuse to completely shun my marvelous toe toppers.  When and where appropriate ( see: sitting down) I promised myself to still sport a few good inches of prized patent leather.  Though, until next April, I feel those chances to be few and far between.

Until then, I’m stuck down here – 5’9″, stable and standing.

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Grocery Cart Fugitive

I felt like an absolute criminal.

(In his best Keaneu Reeves voice) “You’ve gone…. too far …”, said the blandly grey-suited man who roled up in his gold Crown Vic with the roundy-round yellow light on top.

“Look, lady, just leave the cart there.”

I near about dropped my Rice-a-Roni and Cheetos as I whipped my head around to see what was going on.  Here I was, alone in the Super Wal-mart (gasp) parking lot – just stocking up on the Sunday morning necessities. 

He was talking to me!

Doing his due diligence, rent-a-cop (RAC)) parked his vehicle, got out and approached my grocery cart. 

NOW WHAT HAD I DONE?!  Could I play the “I’m pregnant” card for sympathy? Did I have enough cash in savings for bail? Did I remember to buy paper towels, I think they were on sale….

“Ma’am, you can’t take the cart that far!”

Unknowingly, I had parked so far into the reaches of the parking lot that I had activated the little alarmy thingy that goes off to prevent people from stealing the shopping carts.  The wheels had those red locking devices and they had clicked down.

I was a criminal, THAT girl, I had tried to five-finger discount a Wal-mart shopping cart – unintentionally of course.

I tried to explain to the RAC that I had no clue what was going on and that yes, this was my car …. yes, here is my receipt, I did pay for these groceries. Geez, you attempt to steal one little grocery cart and suddenly you lose all retail credibility.

I closed my trunk, apologized and strategically backed out and around the now immobile grocery cart and proceeded home to enjoy my Cheetos.

In my rearview mirror I saw that poor RAC still struggling with how to move the cart.

Lessons learned:

1 – Don’t shop at Super Wal-mart on Sundays

2 – Park within the first mile of the entrance

3 – The long arm of the law protects even the grocery carts

My Little Nugget

That’s right, this Eggo is prego! Time to hang up the ‘ol NO VACANCY sign on the uterine hotel.

Though this is my first attempt at growing a human, I am no stranger to the process.  I have seen countless friends expand into motherhood – each with their own trials, tribulations and excess of “did I really want to know that about you” stories.  Now it is my turn.  As I finish up my 16th week, I would like to share with you a few of the inconveniences joys of gestating that I was not expecting and at the least, was unprepared for. 

Revelation #1:  Delete the word Normal from your vocabulary.  Replace it with Remember when you had control over your body.  For example: “Carrie, it’s ok to cry, it’s normal.” or my personal fave, Doctor, “Well….hmmm…that’s not normal.”  I am not sure what it is about speaking with pregnant women, but everyone seems to want to wrap me up in a warm fuzzy security blanket called “normal.” 

Revelation #2:  You get fat!  No, I’m not talking about the drank one too many beers and then ate a bag of salt and vinegar potato chips, bloated, kind of fat …. I mean FAT!  Nowhere in any book that I read did it state that I would wake up one morning and my waistline would have a starring role on Jersey Shore as “The Predicament.”

Revelation #3:   No one will judge you for any of the following: vomiting, peeing, crying or sleeping.  If you need to, you can even use it as an acceptable excuse to decline an otherwise unavoidable invite.  No one will be mad.  In fact, they will only become nicer to you.  Disclaimer: Careful, this does have 13% rate of backfire in which resulted in unwanted visitors/phone calls, but was accompanied by a 7% increase in the rate of chocolate receipt.

All enlightenment aside, I am happily learning from and enjoying almost all that this stage of my Little Nugget has to offer.  I promise not to crowd my blog with stories from the dark side, but be prepared for many more revelations.  Note that I will be posting pics under ‘The Little Nugget” page.

 By the way, if anyone, in any way involved with the book “What to Expect When You are Expecting” is reading this … contact me directly for the address to where you can send my $21.95 refund check.