Month: April 2010

Oliver vs. PETCO

What I should have read BEFORE last night’s PETCO visit … AND, how it all really went down 

“Visiting a pet store does not mean you have to act like an animal. Treat the pets and the employees with respect and dignity. If your behavior is loud and obnoxious, the pets and the employees will want you out of the store. Follow these steps to learn how to behave appropriately” – eHow.com, ‘How to Behave in a Pet Store’ 

Visiting a pet store does not mean you have to act like an animal, but it helps if you use that mentality.  Make sure to treat other animals and customers as if they could, at any given moment, attack.  Speak firmly and with emphatic tones, stopping just short of 4-letter words, so they know your serious about not switching to IAMS.  Follow these steps to ensure your trip is a productive one” – Carrie, “Oliver’s other end of the leash” 

Rule 1: Refrain from yelling or talking loudly as this might frighten the pets. Behave in a calm and gentle manner… Flag down employees by using several hand gestures and a volume of speech similar to that of hailing a NYC cab.

Rule 2: Keep your fingers out of the cages or aquariums. The animals might bite you. You could also make the animals sick from germs or chemicals on your hands… How else are you supposed to touch those little kittens on adoption day?! 

Rule 3: Observe the fish nicely. Tapping or knocking on the fish aquariums is a no-no…BUT, pressing your face up to the glass and puffing out your cheeks is the best method for finding Nemo.  They won’t actually ask you to stop until the third time you do it anyways.

Rule 4: Ask for permission before giving anything to an animal. Feeding the pets is usually not allowed unless supervised by a store employee…So then those treat bowls at the check-out counter aren’t self-serve?!  Oliver is just going take the treat and run, good luck “supervising.”

**This entire outing lasted 9 miuntes.

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Dear Lady Gaga

Joe and Ryan, close your browser now … this will not end well for either of you. This post was inspired by both of your love for the Gaga along with many website letters I’ve read and my ever increasing need to scrutinize the famous.

Now…

Dear Ms. Ga (I’m not in to the whole brevity thing)

After careful observation and a series of calculations made using the Lady Gaga math formula: (RAH)² (AH)³ + [ROMA (1+MA)] + (GA)² + (OOH)(LA)²  – I am writing to you to express the following:

When your Poker Face burst on to the scene you enraptured attention spans, you weren’t a Miley or a Britney; you had talent! You could play instruments and given a bucket, carry a tune. 

Your embrace of eccentric musical genius rivaled that of a luncheon with Elton John and Boy George. You had costumes; salacious everyday costumes.  The piquancy of that pink spandex pencil skirt… Gimmie more!  Hair doughnut? Second helping of gusto, please!

**side note: I love your “no pants” pants. Whenever those are for sale, I need to get them**

But now I just think you’re getting ahead of yourself. 

First, congrats on the second album and I promise not to mention the rampant rumors of eerily like-sounding tracks. (Hint: call LaFace and get to work)

And that thing you wore during the dance sequence of your newest video, you know, that leotard/flamenco dress…well, hmmmm. 

There are few questions weighing on my mind, hoping you can offer answers. What exactly IS a disco stick? is there an initiation process involved in becoming a “monster”? What elements do you feel make the perfect poker face? 

Additionally I have a bone to pick with you regarding appearances.  No matter how daring or provocative you may hope to be, you still make appearances on Ellen – the first lady of controversy?

At the very least let’s think about the word, “overexposure”, I know, it seems like in the wake of Beyonce it isn’t possible, but trust me, it is.

In conclusion, I hope that the hotel tryst with Angelia rumors are true; way to trade up!

 Sincerely,

 Carried Away

30 More Minutes

Beep, beep, beep … WHAM!

(Wait 5 minutes, Repeat 3 times)

Good thing the clock is set for 15 minutes ahead, bad that I remember this daily, thus defeating the purpose.

Ugh, hello 5:30am, we meet again.

O, what I wouldn’t do to spend just 30 more minutes wrapped up in the wonderful world of down feathers and Egyptian cotton – just 10 more? No, today is the day. Spring is here and so is my thrice weekly morning run routine.

After a dramatic peeling back of the covers and two feet plunged down to the cold floor below, I am up. Fearing my ability to procrastinate might rear its ugly head; I laid out clothes (ok, a matching outfit) last night. In mere minutes I had managed to morph into something out of a jazzercise video, minus the neon pink

Sucking down a few sips of water, I opened the door …

**chills – none of which came from the 45-degree weather**

Had I seriously contemplated trading any amount of additional sleep to miss this beautiful sunrise?!

I strolled down the long desolate driveway to the street, never once looking down. The colors were vivid, the air was fresh and the silence was calming. Crossing the street I took to the trail with a deep breath and long stride. Then, just before the start of mile 3, I hit the pause button on the iPod and stopped, looked up and couldn’t help but think again about what I would have missed if I had taken those 30 additional minutes.

I hope you all join me in an effort to use the snooze button less and less each morning.

Doggy Destruction

Couches, pillows, shoes, duvets – even bark and gravel; he eats it all!

I now present Oliver’s most recent works of destruction. 

The couch cushion: Making a quick trip to the gym may have not been the best decision, especially while the cushion covers were in the wash.

Oliver’s boredom: 1 … Mommy multi-tasking ability: 0

 

Heart pillows: No love in his eyes for my festive decorating tendencies.

Before:     

After:

Valentine’s Day will never be the same at our house

 

Black stilettos:  4” reduced to mere nubbins in less than 1 hour.  Want to know how I learned to always put my shoes away? No mom, not because you told me every day for 18 years!