Month: November 2009

YES … I can see you!

Having had my license for just over a decade now, I feel qualified to bring you this news flash.

Attention: Despite popular belief, just because you are inside of you car does not mean that I can no longer see you!

Neither tinted windows nor excessive speed can immunize you.

I commute at least 50 miles a day in traffic ranging from 3-80mph and have become quite the connoisseur of observing the driving habits of those around me – this is mostly a defense mechanism due to the plethora of overtly inept recipients of a California driver’s license.

Albeit undocumented, my research has determined that most drivers can be grouped into one, if not many of the following groups:

The Gold Miner – You can hardly wait for the coveted moment when the false sense of security your car provides you kicks in and you can reach for the sky and venture off on a picking excursion of epic portion. The ironic part is when you finish you never fail to look down at your finger and then into the rear view mirror to make sure you’re ‘clear’. Next time look out the window next to you and there it is; YES … I can see you!

The American Idol – “…and the Britney song was on …” I get it, the road rhythm creates a nice vibrato, the steering wheel doubles as a drum set and your radio can broadcast at a volume just higher than your ears can hear your actual pitch. All that aside, next time you find yourself in mid head bang during the third chorus of an epic ballad, turn and look out the window next to you and there it is; YES … I can see you!

The Jerry Springer – Indubitably, life is stressful. In your exemplary display of multi-tasking you take on some of the biggest arguments behind the wheel. This is often packaged into an impressive finger gesture and hands-free device four-letter word shouting display. I know it is quite a cozy little cubby of anger there in your car, but seriously; look out the window next to you and there it is. YES … I can see you!

The Procreator – As if the ‘kids on board’ yellow triangle dangling in your minivan’s hatchback window didn’t give it away, then your flailing limbs aimed toward the back seats did. Junior wasn’t happy that you made him get into the car in the first place and no amount of assistance can help him calm down now. Put down the Capri Sun, turn up Raffi and face forward please. Oh, and turn your head to the side and look out the window next to you, YES … I can see you!

Now, I know that this is not a fully encompassing description of all motorists but it is what I believe to be an accurate account of what we all must cope with whenever we take to the roadways. This time of year so many of us are traveling via car to see our friends and family so please be safe and if you are so inclined, turn and look out the window next to you …..

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Screening Phone Calls

I am certain I am not the only person out there guilty of this – I keep certain people’s numbers in my phone so that when they call I know to NOT answer.   While not a genius plan, it has warded off its fair share of unsolicited telecommunicated drama enough times to still be effective ….. until this past weekend.  In order to address this situation, I have constructed the following letter to my iPhone contacts list.

Dear Multiples,

Don’t think that just because you have a common name I will accidentally answer when the wrong Jim/Johnny/Jack/Jose calls (unless you come in shot form).  I used to combat this by instituting a codename system.  However, after I realized I had four ‘psycho’, two ‘nut job’ and one ‘stage 5 clinger’, it was time to abandon that school of thought for a more obvious tag.  Now I shall simply refer to you all as ‘Do Not Answer’!

Dear Caller ID Ninja,

Knowing enough to call from another number that you know I will answer … Point!

Knowing enough to make your number appear as ‘Blocked’ or ‘Restricted”… Gold Star!

Knowing enough to make your number actually appear as another number … Chuck Norris!

Dear Bait and Switch,

Asking a mutual friend to call me, and then hijacking the phone mid-convo is neither a stealth nor impressive move. When this happens, the following three things will also happen…and usually in this order:

• I will hang up.

• You’re friend will yell at/swear at/ leave/possibly strike you.

• I will be forced to insert a codename of ‘underground railroad’ to our mutual friend’s name.

To those of you who have actually changed your numbers and then tried to call with the new number, I’m not even mad. That is dedication and you will obviously be rewarded with an answer … the first time. After that you will just become one of the above mentioned.

If you feel you are mentioned anywhere in this post … call me 🙂